Cup of Coffee
by love at third sight
Summary: He doubted his own decisions. Now it's time for her to convince him that he did the right thing. Spoilers for the Shogun Assassination Arc, implied ZenSachi.


a/n: I love Zenzou, and if I could date someone similar to him sans ninja occupation, I would.

I've totally given up on writing funny Gintama stories. lol

* * *

-x-

It was an unfortunate fact that Hattori Zenzou had chosen to kill his friend. The friend in particular was a quiet, unassuming boy who had taken the thankless job of serving as Shigeshige's double. From the classroom of ninja orphans, he'd been quietly plucked as a substitute and risked the most dangerous of occupations just so that someone else would be alive.

Kagemaru quietly walked the lines between actor and his own true self. It was treason to even reveal that Shigeshige had a double, for knowledge would have rendered the role obsolescent **.** Zenzou had said his goodbyes as a child and only met him as an adult after his father died, making him the leader of the Oniwabanshuu after being groomed since childhood to take the helm.

In voice and mannerisms, the only way to tell the difference between the fake one and the real person was a scar that stretched from Shigeshige's neck and torso. Only Maisou, Zenzou's father, him, and Kagemaru knew this.

Perhaps Kagemaru had known it was his last voyage. Then again, maybe not, since people had thought it a flawless plan to use duplicates. Zenzou wouldn't know, since he had chosen to decapitate his head, and Kagemaru was none the wiser.

 _Traitor_ , Zenzou said to himself in the morning when he looked at the bathroom mirror.

-x-

There weren't that many things he liked about himself, to be honest. He didn't like his eyes so he grew out his bangs as a kid. He didn't like his job much; not like Sarutobi, who declared from childhood she wanted to be the absolute best shinobi in the world. And he sure as hell didn't like having hemorrhoids - biggest pain the ass, both literally and figuratively.

Really, if he didn't happen to be a ninja prodigy (no thanks to his father), he would have been just an ordinary guy working a job in an office. He would've been married by now with maybe two kids.

Maybe this would be the tipping point - go back, go "legitimate" (whatever that meant), and become a normal civilian in Edo.

But then he looks at Sarutobi. Sees her hard at work, taking on tough cases, doing it all on her own, and thinks, _Maybe not_.

In all honesty, she's probably one of the few reasons for him to stay in this nasty business of killing people. Deep down, both of them know Oniwaban's farcical loyalty towards the Shogunate was something they'd misplaced too much faith in.

Here's a prime example. What does the Shogun do?

He trusts that when he goes inside a room filled with his constituents, and no shinobi or samurai to protect him, no one will kill him. He wants to trust the people who still believe in the old system. He wants to reassure them that they're not going crazy, that better times will come soon.

Unfortunately, his gamble doesn't work.

He's murdered in broad daylight.

Zenzou can imagine all too well the eyes of Kagemaru and Shigeshige both looking at him from the afterlife. It haunts him, especially in the night time.

-x-

Hattori Zenzou knows approximately one hundred ways to kill a man. He thinks, maybe this is the right time to kill himself. After all, he's really got nothing to live for. He's in love with a girl who doesn't love him back, he's lost two of his childhood friends, his job doesn't contribute anything especially meaningful in society, and he's alone. He's just another cog in the shinobi machine. The world would be better off without him.

He gets his things in order. First, he needs to write a will - easy enough. He puts into paper that when he passes away, all of his property and wealth from the Hattori bloodline will be transferred to Sarutobi Ayame, and he gets a lawyer to read through the entire paper so that it won't be invalid when he's dead. Then, he visits the bank and takes out important mementos from his deposit box - there's a rare picture of his mom, back when she was alive, keys to a few estates outside of Edo, and then -

He finds a picture. He holds it up under the florescent lights and he knows the exact timing of when it happened. Back when he and Sarutobi were teenagers, his dad had snapped a quick picture of them together as they graduated from the ninja academy. She'd insisted on not wearing her glasses and tripped across the stage. He and Wakikaoru had thought it was the funniest thing that ever happened and burst out laughing.

Then he'd realized Sarutobi was on the verge of crying in front of everyone. So he impulsively cut in line to walk onstage, holding his hand out just to help her stand up. It was a stupid gesture from a seventeen year old boy - but hell, he was in love and he had nothing to lose. It was the closest thing to a confession that Sarutobi would ever receive, save for the time he nearly died in front of her. His dad probably took this picture, with his two best students helping each other out.

The picture gives Zenzou a huge lump in his damn throat. She's beautiful in this picture, with his hand in hers. They're young, and both of them still haven't been indoctrinated completely into the system yet. Best of all, she hasn't met Gintoki.

But he can't cry inside a bank. It would be stupid. So he tucks the picture into his breast pocket and does what he needs to do before exiting the security room.

-x-

He's naturally a very methodical and careful man. He doesn't trust guns, so drinking poison will have to do. Since he's not a samurai, he doesn't have to ask anybody to slice his head off, which suits him fine. But before all of that, he figures he should have one last meeting with all the people he cares about before taking the final plunge.

The Yorozuyas are gone, and their place is trashed. Zenzou frowns. Whatever they're up to, he hopes they're okay.

Okuni is next on his list. She doesn't even touch the pizza or the Shonen Jump.

"You shouldn't have gone to me today," she said, as the two sit on a rooftop, looking outwards at the Edo skyline. "There's a rebellion going on."

"What kind of rebellion?"

"The Shinsengumi are fighting against the next Shogun in line, Nobunobu, and his own factions."

"How do you even know about this?" Zenzou asked, amazed that a kid like her reads stuff like _The Edo Times_. Politics aren't supposed to be a child's forte, much less register in her head.

She gives him a look that says, _Don't be stupid_. "I'm someone who makes predictions for a living," she said. "You should get involved."

Zenzou laughed acerbically. "Right. I'm going to defend a man who blackmailed a family to assassinate the last Shogun, or I defend an organization that let Shigeshige die on their watch. No, I think I'd better stay out of this fight. I usually make the wrong decisions anyway."

Okuni doesn't say anything in response to that.

"Enough. I wasn't here to talk about heavy adult stuff today."

"Hattori-san... "

"Have the grandmothers allowed you leave the complex these days? Any kidnappings going on that I should know of?" Zenzou tries to grin, but it's hard, and Okuni knows way too much about the future for him to pretend that things are okay.

"Well, they let me walk out sometimes, but I try not to do it too often," Okuni said. "They like you a lot, by the way. They think I sneak out a lot less when you bring in the news and pizza every so often. And so far, no kidnappings, thanks to you."

"I'm flattered."

"Hattori-san, maybe next time, can you can bring me alcohol? I've heard so much about it and I've always wanted to try - "

"Hell no," he said, and for the first time in so long, he laughs. "You're a kid - you're what, ten years old?"

"Eleven," Okuni said, pouting slightly.

"Look, it's just not a good idea for kids to drink. That's for sleazy old men like me to do in their spare time at sleazy cabaret clubs."

After he left Okuni, bidding her farewell, he visits Hinowa and says that he's quitting his freelancing work in Yoshiwara. She's visibly disappointed.

"Hattori-san, you did us a big favor when you rescued Gintoki and I. Surely you could stay on for a little longer... ?"

"I'd love to," Hattori lied. "But I don't have the time anymore."

It's a little dark, but there have been times where he's wondered what would happen if he just let Gintoki drown in the water back when Jiraia did a good number on him. Then he remembers his kids - Shinpachi and Kagura - and how well they work together. And how devastated Sarutobi would be, and how she'd never forgive him if she ever found out that he let Gintoki die on his watch unnecessarily.

It's a shame how he doesn't have a support system like that.

-x-

Zenzou zips back to his place for a quick shower. There are some more things on his to-do list for today before he kills himself, such as appointing someone else to be in charge of the Oniwaban. There are a few good candidates he has in mind, but as of so far, he wants to consult with all of them before making sure it's in good hands.

Then he notices a few signs out of order. The devil is in the details - and Zenzou would call himself a poor excuse for a ninja if he was to miss the details in his own house.

For one: some of the ninja scrolls hanging on his wall are skewed sideways. Someone's been running inside his house.

Two: there's a kunai, spilled in someone's haste. Hattori never hurries. He picks the knife up silently, and toes into his living room noiselessly. Whoever chose to break into his house is messing with the wrong guy today. Never mind the fact that his occupation makes a living mockery out of other's privacy - he's perfectly fine with being a hypocrite in situations like these.

Today, he's not in the mood to entertain uninvited guests.

"I'm in here," she announces from behind, and Zenzou freezes just for a microsecond, the oldest of cliches.

Sacchan is sitting on his couch cross legged, with his will laying on her lap. Around her are the carefully laid documents of legal matters laid out on his carpet. His clothing was set out specifically to be burned after he's passed away, and his weapons and assorted kunai laid out for his fellow colleagues to have once he's gone. Neat and tidy. She hasn't messed around with the arrangement one bit.

He swallows. Of all the people to find out, she's most certainly the last one he'd wanted to tell.

"I thought," she said, her voice husky, almost on the verge of tears, "That _you_ were supposed to be the rational one."

-x-

He makes her a cup of tea in his kitchen, because he can't think of anything better to do. The two of them are silent while they sip their tea. He absolutely hates that she's crying, because God knows there's nothing he wants to see less than her to cry.

"I'm sorry - "

"Shut up!" she screams at him. "You're an idiot! You think just because you made a mistake the way to fix it is to _kill yourself_?"

Tears rolled down her cheek. "You know, I thought it was a prank call at first. You, killing yourself? God, what a joke - but then, I figured - this kid knows what happens in the future, right? And I come here, and then I find out you're giving me your property once you _die_?"

"I'm sorry."

" _I don't want your money if it happens like this!_ " she yells. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"I murdered Kagemaru - "

"You did what you had to do," she said, her voice jagged. " _That's our fucking job_. We do the dirty jobs nobody else wants to do. So Shigeshige decides that he wants to put his trust into the wrong people - is that your fault? Hell no!"

"But - "

"We got outplayed by the other side. I was stabbed in the stomach, for God's sake!" She wiped away her tears furiously. "But it's not your fucking fault, Zenzou. It's not your fault Shigeshige was murdered."

-x-

She refused to let him sleep alone that night. It was just as well, since his evening plans were ruined. He didn't feel convinced that he wasn't supposed to die - but maybe... maybe Sarutobi had a point. He'd never really talked about his feelings much, preferring to spend his time alone.

It was weird as hell to see her fix dinner that wasn't natto. He hadn't cleared out his fridge yet, so she had cooked a short meal of omurice for the both of him. He was amazed to see her expertly crack eggs, season the rice, adding this or that, cranking up the stove, and tasting the food at intervals at a time. She reminded him of an Indian percussionist while she was efficiently working her way through his kitchen, each movement precise and balanced.

"Let me know if there's something I can do," he said cautiously.

"That's all right," she said. Cynically he wondered if this was all a ruse to become Gintoki's perfect wife, and then he decided he didn't care. Gintoki wasn't in Edo right now - and well, Sarutobi was cooking for him today, wasn't she?

He was drinking a beer and figured life was not so bad if he could still have a cold one when she set down the dishes on the kitchen table.

"I never really thanked you for saving my life," she said, as she sat down next to him.

"Same to you. You saved my ass on that ship, y'know."

"Well, you're my boss," she replied. There was an unusual look on her face as she said her thanks for the food. "I... a lot of us take you for granted." He only shrugged in response as he dug into his meal.

Her cooking was far better than he expected. "This is _great_." he said. "When did you learn how to cook?"

"I dunno. Practicing?" she said helplessly. But he could tell she was pleased. "I can't always waste my money eating out all the time."

He was thoughtful as he took another bite. "That's really something, Sarutobi."

There are a lot of questions he wants to ask her. It's been a long while since they've sat down like this together. But there's a tension in the air, one that can't be cleared up with just a fight. For one, she can't stay here forever. Eventually he'll be left alone to drift away from other people again. And he doesn't want to burden her any more than he has to.

"It's not over yet," she says quietly. There's an intensity to her eyes that he rarely sees, and he's grateful that she can't see his right now. "You've been thinking about this whole business for a long time, haven't you Zenzou?"

He nodded.

"It's just awful," she says. "The next guy after Shigeshige's a complete insult to his memory."

"I don't care either way," Zenzou replied bluntly. "What matters is that Shigeshige's dead."

At the look at Sarutobi's crestfallen face, he gets up from the table. "Want a beer?" he offers.

"Sure."

When he cracks open his second can, she looks at him with pitying eyes. "You were the closest one to him out of all us kids," she said softly. "I'm sorry I didn't check up on you sooner."

"I didn't want you to know." He's not tipsy - but he can feel the edge of a buzz coming onto his head. "I like being alone," he said. "I like... I like being in a quiet place, and - "

His voice broke off uselessly. "Oh, forget about it."

"You know what _I_ think?" Sarutobi said. "I think you're a liar, Zenzou. Maybe that's what you get for being a ninja. You get caught up and you think you're fine alone, but you're not."

"Maybe you're right," he said, slumping in his seat, in no mood to argue. They spent the rest of their meal in silence.

-x-

They were watching a TV show later that he barely paid any attention to; mostly because he was a little tipsy and sad. In fact he was probably tipsy enough to ask the question, "Say, what's up with you and Gintoki?"

Never mind that it was a cruel question. Everyone knew that it was a lost crusade after years of hopeless pursuit.

She was a little boozed up too, and hit him square in the shoulder - just a little bit, not enough to hurt him. "Why do you care?" she snorted. "I'm in love with him, of course."

"Why, though?"

"Because." Sacchan hiccuped as she took another swig. "Do I have to explain exactly why? It just happened that way."

He blamed it on the alcohol for the next bout of stupidity that came out of his mouth. "Between me and him, who would you rather have?"

She laughed. "Geez, that's such a weird question! What the hell do you even mean?"

"Who'd you miss more if one was gone?" God, did his mouth ever stop?

"You, of course!" she said, beaming. "I mean, I love Gintoki, and all, but he's - he's... " Her smile faded. "Don't get me wrong, Zenzou. I'm really sorry for treating you like you didn't exist before... before all of this Shogun assassination thing happened - "

"Don't worry about that," he said.

"Well, I _do_ care for you," she insisted. "I just... " She cleared her throat before talking. "I took you for granted. And I shouldn't have. You nearly _died_ , and today, I find out you even want to... well, you know. "

She swallowed nervously. "People care about you, you know. Even if - even if you made mistakes... I don't think Shigeshige would have wanted you to die, either - "

"I'm a sinner," Zenzou said flatly. "Whatever I did, whatever I thought justified it - I did something unnecessary. I rushed into a plan recklessly, and I killed my friend needlessly because I thought I could pull off a bluff. And they never bought it. How would you feel if I killed _you_ , Sarutobi?"

"I wouldn't feel anything," she said. "I'd be dead."

"That's not the point - "

"The point is, you made a mistake and you can't take it back. I've been there, and so have you." She chewed her lip. "We're too old to look back, okay? It's... it's too much for any sane person to make sense of what we do. It's too late for reservations. We're all on the path to hell anyways."

It seemed pointless for him to argue back, so he said nothing.

She sighed. "Your father probably would have been proud of you."

"That's not much of a compliment."

"Hey, at least you _had_ a dad."

There was a pause in the conversation before he remembered that his father had been someone Sarutobi looked up to. _Hah. Some joke of a teacher he was._

"It's sorta funny that you mention him. I've always thought he wanted you as a daughter instead of his no-good son."

"Don't be stupid," Sarutobi snorted. "I was the blind, bossy kid."

"Well, you kept me out of trouble, remember?"

"Yeah. Yeah I do."

"My old man said to me once, _that girl is going to go places. She works hard and she never gives up. She's loyal as a dog. So keep an eye out for her_."

"Really?"

"It's true. Hey, let me show you something," Zenzou said, and took out the photograph from his breast pocket. "Do you remember this?"

She studied the picture. "Yeah, I do." She handed it back to him. "I remembered that you held out your hand. Of course, you didn't have to do it. But you did it anyway, and everybody thought you were the perfect gentlemen."

"I just thought you were going to cry."

"I was."

"Nowadays, it takes you a lot more to cry, doesn't it?" He tucked the picture back into his pocket for safe keeping. "You've gotten tougher."

She ignores this. "Promise me you won't kill yourself, Zenzou," she says fiercely. She holds up her pinky finger, as if she genuinely believes that a song swearing to swallow a thousand needles is infinitely more secure than a contract. "Not before you talk to me again."

Instead of linking his own finger, he takes her own hand and rests it against his cheek. She can feel the stubble scratching against her skin, and it's such a strong contrast of masculinity that she can't help but to blush at the close contact.

"I didn't know how much you cared," he said. "Maybe I didn't like you for nothing, Sarutobi."

Then he lets go and retreat, very much the way a cat (or coward) would. "Well, I'd better get some sleep."

Ever the consummate actress, Sarutobi rebounds quickly from his unintentional confession. "I won't let you escape that easily," she declares.

"Suit yourself," he says. "It's not worth worrying over, but there's an extra futon in my room, if you're that paranoid."

-x-

Because they're adults on some level, he doesn't laugh when she borrows his pajamas. Still, it speaks to their strength of renewed friendship that they can share a room without fear of awkwardness.

This time he examines his feelings more honestly, and it is this: He can wait for her. After all, he's waited for years. It would be a shame to throw away the slow and steady progress that he's made so far.

And as for his huge burden of guilt... the weight has mysteriously lessened. He still regrets that he did what he did. But it doesn't suffocate him when he knows at least one person - the person he loved best - still believes in his goodwill. Strange how it all worked out.

Though it would have made more sense for her to wait for him to fall asleep, she ends up dozing off before he does, and he finds it endearing. She hasn't changed much as a kid - she still sleeps like a complete log, her limbs flailed out like a snowflake.

Even so, she's beautiful. To him, she was already fine the way she was. He stares at her before he closes his eyes, finally content.

-x-

The next morning, she has a job to take, so he cooks her breakfast: miso soup, mackerel fish, rice, and of course, natto. She yawns a bit more than usual, so he pours her coffee, even though that's decidedly un-Japanese.

"Good morning," she said, stifling another yawn with her hand. "Are you sure you'll be fine today?" she asks cautiously.

"More or less," Zenzou said, smiling, and sips his own cup of coffee.

-x-

 _the end_

-x-


End file.
